


What Might Have Been

by soldiermom1973



Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [44]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Cruelty, F/M, Heartbreak, Mourning, N7 Month 2020, N7 month, cruel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldiermom1973/pseuds/soldiermom1973
Summary: Allie Shepard died in space over Alchera.  Kaidan is trying to mourn and move on when he gets an unexpected message.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1460416
Kudos: 7





	What Might Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [N7 Month](https://n7month.tumblr.com/post/631981099607785472/n7-month-2020) over on tumblr. The Day 5 prompt was 'cruelty' (I used the word 'cruel').

The crew of the Normandy had been dispersed – Tali returned to the fleet, Garrus went back to the Citadel, Liara just vanished, and Wrex talked about heading to Tuchanka. All of the surviving humans on the crew had received new assignments; everyone except Kaidan and Joker.

After Allie's death, there were numerous hearing and inquests, all trying to find out what exactly happened and who had caused the destruction of a multi-billion credit ship and the death of her commanding officer. The longer it went on, the more sullen and insubordinate Joker became, quickly getting to a point where the Alliance grounded him as punishment. They transferred him to Arcturus, where he tested out flight simulators and training programs. Kaidan, though, they put behind a desk with Councilor Anderson pending a new assignment somewhere suitable for his experience and talents.

One day, Kaidan received a letter and a holodisc. He opened the letter and found a pass key tucked inside a neatly handwritten note that Allie must have penned before she died. Part of him wanted to wait until he was back in the privacy of his apartment to watch whatever was on the disc – he just knew it would be some kind of message from Allie and he knew he'd have a hard time keeping his feelings in check.

Kaidan didn't fall in love easily, but when he did, he fell hard and he fell with everything he had. That was the case during BAaT with Rahna, it was the case with the handful of serious relationships he had since, and it was definitely the case with Allie Shepard. It was hard enough keeping his feelings for her under wraps while she was alive because the last thing he wanted was trouble with the Alliance, but mourning her after she died was unbearable.

It was almost impossible to keep his tears in check. Yes, he wept for the loss of his commander in public at the never-ending ceremonies and memorial services, but in private his body shook as he sobbed at the loss of his love. Their friends had all known and none faulted him for isolating himself to deal with his grief as he saw fit. Now, as he turned the disc over in his hands, he wondered if Anderson would somehow punish him if his obvious grief made humanity's first Councilor aware of the unauthorized relationship between the lieutenant and his commanding officer.

He didn't weigh his options for long – after a few moments, he locked his office door and slid the disc into his terminal, a pained sound tearing from his throat when Allie's figure flickered into view.

“Hey, Kaidan.” Her voice was quiet – barely above a whisper – and she darted a look over her shoulder. It was then he recognized the background as being the apartment on Intai'sei. He also realized that she was looking over her shoulder at his sleeping figure. “If you're watching this, then something awful happened and I'm not there with you.”

Her voice cracked as she spoke and Kaidan was thankful his door was shut and locked since he could barely keep his grief under control. He knew exactly when she recorded it – after she was discharged from the hospital, they were given a week of leave. The two of them spent theirs at the apartment Admiral Ahern lost in a bet. Allie had felt guilty for taking it even though she nearly died winning the bet, but Ahern had insisted.

“I got lucky once, you know, surviving that debris when it crashed into the Council chambers.” He sniffed when Allie continued speaking. “I realized I hadn't updated some of my paperwork in a while, so while I was in the hospital recovering, I reached out to legal and updated my will and power of attorney.”

Allie's gaze dropped to the desk in front of her and she smirked when a strange noise sounded behind her. “By the way, there's your proof that you do snore.”

A pained chuckle slipped past Kaidan's lips when he remembered their 'arguments' about whether or not he snored. She always said it was quiet, sporadic, and more like a snuffle and not a chainsaw, but he disagreed just the same. The topic became a running joke between the two of them after they took down Saren.

“Anyway, I'm not sure what Alliance protocol is for this kind of thing and I didn't want to chance it getting held up in some bureaucracy somewhere, but I want you to have the apartment. I obviously can't see the future, so I don't know what happens to me, but I want you to have a place you can go to relax when you're in between whatever the Alliance will have you doing.”

She sighed and hung her head a bit. “You know, people never think about when they might die. They put off doing things like this and yes, it's morbid and yes, I hope you're old and grey and have to walk around with a cane by the time you see this, but the universe is a cruel mistress, Kaidan, and as much as I want us to be together for as long as possible, I know there's a very real chance that won't happen. Especially given our line of work.”

She looked over her shoulder again at his sleeping figure before leaning closer to the monitor. “I love you, Kaidan. Don't ever forget that. I know we haven't been together for very long, but right now, I can easily see me spending the rest of my life at your side.”

Kaidan swallowed a sob when Allie's own eyes welled with tears. She sniffed, running the back of her hand along her nose before speaking again. “So, yeah. I love you and if anything happens to me, I want you to have this place.”

Allie sighed again before reaching out to turn off the vid.

Kaidan stared at the blank screen, tears streaming down his face. How he wasn't a sobbing wreck, he didn't know. He gripped the passcard in his hand before clutching at his dog tags through his uniform shirt, wishing he could find some comfort in the ring he wore with his tags now.

The ring he meant to give to her and now never would. The universe was cruel, indeed.


End file.
